Choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, bashing the bishop, spending time with Adam and his four brothers (or for my bi and pansexual and straight-male folks, Hannah and her four sisters), or, my personal expression, “Washing dishes” (long story)… you know the terms. In order for there to be any assistance at this self-service station, at least for me, there has to be some entertainment. Often presented to you by the world-wide web, modeling fantastic men hiding beneath the two dimensions of a computer screen and the intangible fantasies that have the numbing, removed feeling of past encounters. But instead of the person that was there, let’s put Steve Carell in his place. Or Stanley Tucci. Or Logan Stevens. Or Steve Kelso. Or any other representation of celebrity in many shapes and forms of media.

While it’s nice to cum (he-he) to this one-man show, it’s nicer to visit. Maybe on a lazy Saturday or the occasional night when trying to sleep or even a moment when you’re feeling especially horny or just need to relieve some stress or tension. But when your visits start to extend into time shares and suddenly, you’re putting up property and have a beach house next to the very place that’s only meant to temporary relief, then it becomes a problem.

Anything can become an addiction. And porn or any form of erotic entertainment is no different. Unless you’re in the business or you have some kind of financial reliance in this industry (and even they need to step away from time to time just to have their sanity in tact, I’m sure) then that shouldn’t take up nearly every hour of your off time.

This is part of the reason why I’ve been away. Why I had been putting off this article (or rather, articles, now). Many times, addiction can be about hiding. And for me, it definitely was. If I put it off and continued to soak my dish-pan hands in suds, then I wouldn’t have to write and wouldn’t have to deal with all these possibilities running through my mind: what if no one likes what I have to say? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I have to be responsible for a continuing effort? For God’s sake, man, I need some time with the dishes RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

So, seeing Pilot in front of me, exposed and fully nude, taking notice of his build and how he still had a pretty full bush of pubic hair, I was dealing with the fact that I was both looking at him as a subject for these pieces and to reclaim territories of intellect in the shallow surface that was literally skin deep. But I also felt like I was leering. Here was this hot, naked dude in front of me, completely willing to hide nothing and showing me everything he’s got. Despite that I wasn’t getting excited (I was more concentrating on the questions) I still couldn’t help but feel a certain shame, like I was hiding in the depths of a depraved movie theater, feeling like people outside were saying things like, Oh, that’s where all the filthy people go to. Disgraceful. Have they no decency? At least we have the patience to wait until we’re home before fashioning vibrating cock rings and shoving things up our ass.

So, with Pilot, completely open and exposed right in front of me, I decided to ask him questions based around sexual expression:

Actually another question, I didn’t even think to put out there, I keep not wanting to look at your dick. (collective laughter) Because I’m thinking, I know he’s doing this for me, I’m wondering if I, ugh, put my eyes on there, am I, am I gonna be looked upon as a pervert? Ya know, there’s Pilot’s dick.

Right?

Umm, ya know, I mean, I think a next question would be what is-s-s-s your view on that? Like, ya know, when you’re, when you’re nude, someone’s trying not to look down there, bu-u-ut.. what is your take on it?

Ugh (shrugs shoulders), I mean, I think, like, most of my exposure towards other nude males, right? As a straight guy, it just primarily comes up in locker rooms, like after a while, there’s just kind of a bit of a learned behavior about keeping your eyes up. Much in the same way if you’re trying to talk to a girl and not trying to come across as crass, you’re just trying to keep your eyes up above their neck. I think there’s a similar kind of learned behavior about, like, if both guys in that context are straight, just not trying to look too far south. But, I wonder how that actually works, right? Because often times, I find, in that circumstance, with the person presumably doing something athletic even if it’s just casually going for a swim somewhere vs workout partners. I’m always kind of curious about people’s musculature. Sports has been a life-long fascination for me. There’s a reason why I ride these things everywhere (pointing to his collection of bicycles). Ummm, I have three road bikes.

Oh, wait, actually, I can see them right there. I just got distra-distracted by your penis, I’m sorry.

(I can’t believe I had the perfect opportunity to say “dick-stracted” and I didn’t take it. Oh, well, live and learn, I guess).

Yeah, yeah.

Joke, joke.

Umm, your viewpoint, especially in this, in this scenario. Where I’m gay, you’re straight. You know nothing sexual is going to happen.

Yeah.

But, I’m still trying not to look there because I’m a gay man and I like looking at naked men.

Right.

But with, what is your take on that, I guess?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think I’m probably fine with it. I worked at the gym for a while. And ugh, worked there while there was a new gym being built and then we moved one day. Like, all of a sudden, we closed the old location to move into the new location… The old location had been sort of known as a cruising spot. So frequently, at the end of my shift, my roommate at the time was also gay and we would come down there and we would lift weights and then, ugh, we’d go home. And definitely had men approach me and definitely had men approach my friend, too. Who often times would have Grindr running while we were working out and so they’d approach both of us, assuming that that was the reason we were there together. But I never once encountered a situation where, I was like, Sorry, I’m straight, but my friend’s cute. Right? I mean, none of that ever felt, ya know, like someone was being creepy. It just felt like they were being complimentary.

Yeah, I like that, too.

Yeah, like, ya know, there have been guys with straight women that I found attractive that I probably wouldn’t have approached anyways. But that’s more about me being selective about my partners in a general sense, nothing to do with homosexuality. It’s like, that’s a nice compliment, but your energy’s wasted on me (says this as he’s laughing), I’ll point you to somebody else, here.

I have to equate that to what I’ve been doing all this time. That I have found a certain comfort in wasting the day away just lookin’ at naked dudes or naked dudes in sexual situations or naked dudes, well, just a lot of situations involving naked men.

I started changing my routine more, but as of a week ago, after a few months of working out and writing and keeping up with my posts and actually seeing results, I started falling back. This was because a few exterior factors that I let take control. And before I knew it, there I was again, putting up properties and investing in territories in this self-service station that went beyond just a healthy sexual expression. It quickly elapsed into this dependency, replacing action with stagnancy and self reform with the perceived realities of fantasies that felt safe from the separation of mental distance. But, this time, I’m recognizing it. Last time, I let the minutes and days sink into weeks and months and even a few years. It’s easy to fall back, especially when you’re trying to cope with perceived failures. But, here’s the question: What good is it doing you to stay on the ground after you’ve fallen? This is a big part of life. Getting back up again and taking that first step. Except this time around, I’m stopping it sooner than I did last time.

With that said, the point of this article is not to demonize porn. I think I’ve been pretty clear with what I’ve said here. And, from what I’ve observed, the ones that demonize both porn and anyone who partakes in it in any way are the real perverts.

Porn, adult entertainment, whatever you wanna call it is fine and even great on its own. But when it’s starting to take up every free second of every day, and you’re not doing it professionally? This is when it becomes a problem. Masturbation is supposed to be a release. And a release is only really beneficial when it’s needed, even if it edges into more casual circumstances. But when that release has taken on the continuation of your time and before you know it, it’s midnight and you haven’t done shopping or chores or worked out or done anything you set out to do, then, yeah, that’s not good. Anything can become too much.

And, it doesn’t necessarily have to be working out or writing, but whatever you use to give you a sense of accomplishment and you can tell yourself: Hey, I did this. Whether that be cleaning or cooking or research or helping people or getting into the tech scene or even just waking up one day and deciding that you’ll try to see things differently. Whatever works for you, do it.

For me, that is part of it. Because I literally feel like I am gradually breaking chains I’ve wrapped myself up in like a security blanket. And, I find that what helps the most is not trying like hell to break them, but through them. Celebrate the demons of doubt and fear that have made me who I am and even throwing them a party and just saying to them, Hey, it’s been, well, it’s been. But, I think it’s time you take a step back. Thank you for shaping me to what I am today, but I think we need some time apart.

With that said, I’ll still probably wash dishes. Hey, jacking off is part of a healthy sexual outlet. But, I think, for me, maybe it’s a better idea to assign either a certain day or even a few days of the week devoted to that for a certain amount of time. Outside of that? I’ll just keep pushing forward. That will be my method. I’ll see you in the next article, where I’ll be talking about body image. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some dishes to wash…. actual dishes, you perverts.