I’ve got my headphones on, at the moment, listening to a change should do you good. I’ve been at this writing game for a while, now. And, as I’m sure many have noticed, my writing tends to go through waves. This is because, most of my life, I’ve made the mistake of comparing myself to others. While it can be empowering to use others as inspiration and even empowering to say competition can sometimes be good for you, this shouldn’t always be the case. I shouldn’t always feel like I’m waiting behind the velvet rope of the latest and hottest club in town and trying to convince the bouncer at the door I’m worth going in while slipping him a 20. I’m sure that same bouncer probably wouldn’t understand the complex and cosmic metaphor of that 20-dollar-bill being the symbol of my insecurities simply trying to mask itself in the petty representation of this paper we use to trade and barter. And let’s just say, if this were real, his bouncer friends would already be dragging me away while saying, DUDE, YOU’RE TOO FUCKIN’ WORDY!

You see, the first time I stepped away was much like the second time I stepped away. I felt like I just wasn’t getting enough of a reaction or enough likes or enough shares. That my writing wasn’t enough. And maybe, I wasn’t enough. And I found I wasn’t writing for the sheer joy of writing. I was tap-tap-tapping at the keyboard, typing up words pushed forward from this paranoia in my head, QUICK! QUICK! GET IT OUT, NOW! Or you’ll be forgotten, faded into obscurity. And people will suddenly look at me with pity saying to themselves, There goes Selvie Blue, holding up that sign: will write for 15 minutes of any kind of attention. And, while it may be good to write within boundaries and try to appeal to the general public, it shouldn’t be the only thing that drives me. It should a balance. Trying to get my work to be more relatable while still being authentic to me and to myself. And this all had me asking myself, what would my niche be? What would make me different?

Well, the answer is, I don’t want to think about it too much. Thinking too much can cause creative head-aches, to which I’ll have to metaphorically pop some metaphorical happy pills that would be a bite-sized fast-food version of a road to enlightenment. Like it should be so easy to feel like a wise, thoughtful person that can meditate so effortlessly, I’d literally be floating in the air. “Look, everyone! No strings!”

But I think that we’re all well aware that our own consciousness and thoughts can come with strings attached. This got me to thinking about other things I’ve always wanted to say, things I’ve always wanted to write about: thought-provoking pieces about the frustrating divide of male nudity versus female nudity in Hollywood, a countdown of my favorite ENM movie scenes and going into descriptions of why they’re my favorite written with pathos and humor, maybe also a countdown of my least favorite scenes of both ENM and just male nudity in general. Mainly converting into an article-based format revealing me as a person, exposing my innermost thoughts and desires, what makes me tick, what drives me, and what makes me want to keep moving forward as well as what makes me afraid. All the while, still writing ENM fiction and including that in the mix. (Including continuing my Dinner and A Show story).

I think, for me, I should be more honest with myself. Yes, I wanna see if my writing gets any reactions. Yes, I wanna know if I’m, at all, popular. Maybe if I’m honest with that part of myself, I can use those parts of me that want so desperately to be liked and recognized to shape a new person. Smooth over these characteristics and then just take a deep breath. Stop kidding myself by saying it doesn’t matter if I get recognition or not. I mean, seriously, do you really think all those actors saying, It was an honor just to be nominated, are telling the truth??? Probably a more accurate portrayal is when Samuel L. Jackson was passed over for an Oscar and you could literally see him mouth the word, shit. Or fuck or something like that. And then, I can come to the realization that it doesn’t have to be one or the other. I think that several of us here that write these stories do want to be recognized. Not saying that for everyone as I’m sure just as many do it because they want to with the only thing driving them forward is, indeed, the sheer joy of writing. But, hey, I’m sure that at some point in our lives, we all wanted attention, we all wanted to be told, you did a really good job. I also want to celebrate why we’re here, whatever your reason is. I want to prop up instead of thinking of ways of trying to race ahead while yelling, Look at me! I’m being so different and clever, you’ll never catch me! Before running, face first, into a pole and realizing I probably should have ordered that slice of humble pie while dining at that restaurant titled: This is a literal representation of you.

I want to get better at, well, everything. Basically, I still want to be me, just an improved version of me. Not changing for the wrong reasons, but rather, shedding my nervousness and intimidation and pettiness and need to compare myself to others while still retaining at least a piece of all those bad parts of me to help me on my journey to a more advanced Selvie. You see, I don’t want to think of it as being freed from chains, but instead, using these fears and insecurities as ways to go through the chains. I want to accept me as I am, both the good and the bad, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll have found at least some kind of enlightenment and I wouldn’t even have to order it from the drive-thru lane of McDonald’s to get it.

Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking, Selvie. This article is titled, ‘Selvie In The Buff.’ Please don’t tell me that that was just a symbolic title to represent the exposure of your deepest fears and desires and to relay to us the naked embrace of everything that makes you you and give your article an eye-catching, click-baity title. Either put up or shut up, man. Let’s see some skin! OW!

And to which, I’d respond, Of course it was symbolic man. Pfft. Well, that’s it for now, BYE EVERYONE!

Okay! Okay! JK, people. Geesh! While, yes, it is a symbolic title, I actually do want to use the flesh of my naked body to represent a metamorphosis. That I am stepping forward more as myself while still working on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. And while I still have insecurities about myself and my body, I also want this to be another way to say that this is just me.

Oh, and it’s a shot from the shoulders down. Sorry, not going to show myself from head to toe. Not sure if I will, but maybe someday. With that said, here is me: awkward, sometimes overthinking, energetic, weird, wonderful me: