This is a completely made-up scenario that I’ve been wanting to write for a while.

She’s got her signature black dress cinched for the gods. With her hands on her hips, she looks at me with those daring eyes. The perfectly-lined mascara giving this divinely Gothic look, that eye shadow haunting her eyelids in powdered lakes of blue and that classic bouffant raven hair sleekly cascading her shoulders and back. After the initial shock of realizing who it is, I’m surprised she’s not giving me some attitude. Instead, she’s got this genuine half smile that catches her porcelain face in this empathetic expression. I widen my eyes and almost gasp.

“ELVIRA!?!?!?”

“Hey, Selvie. How you doin’?”

I look around, confused, before turning back to her. “You, ummm, work …. for Tumblr?”

“Honey, look at me. I’ve got a net worth of three million dollars. Do you really think I’d need to work for a site like Tumblr?”

I shift my head, still confused as hell. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that I got some fabulous shade from the Mistress of the Dark, but the fact that she’s still standing here as if she was sent does not make sense.

Elvira purses her lips and flips her hand downward through the air and says, “Oh, sweetie. It’s a show, a sham, a fake-out, a glamour. And I gotta tell ya, they couldn’t have gotten anyone more glamorously wicked than me.” She laughs and then winks at me.

Still confused. “I’m still confused.”

She rolls her eyes while not-so-subtly whispering to herself, “For someone who likes writin’ stuff to make guys stand at attention, you’re certainly slow on the uptake.”

I tilt my head and say, “I can hear you.”

“I know.”

Smiling, I saiy, “I kinda liked it.”

“I know,” she says, smiling and then winking at me.

“But, seriously, sweetie,” Elvira continues. “I’m not actually, well… here.”

“What?”

“Let me get techified for a second.” She then folds her hands to her front in a prim-and-proper way, widens her eyes in this mechanically naive fashion and says, “This is a representation of your subconscious. We wanted to make your wait more enjoyable, so we searched through your mind to see who your comforts are. Seeing that you’re a horror fan, we searched that portion of your mind, compressing it into one of our files. We saw that Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, represents something joyous and happy to you. And someone who you always wanted to meet. So, here we are.”

As she goes back to her previous stance after speaking for what looked like a machine, I ask, “Can Tumblr really do that?”

In her signature valley-girl voice, she bobs her head and says, “How should I know? You’re the one writing the article.”

If this were a scene in a film, this would be the moment I’d be spiking the camera.

“Cool. Okay, so what do we do in the meantime?” I then form this wide-eyed happy expression and say, “Why don’t you tell me stories about yourself??”

“Should I bring in Skynet light, again? Remember, they searched your mind to get me. I’m just everything you know about me. So, unless you wanna go through a top 10 of useless crap you already know. But, hey, enough about your writing.” As she laughs, I literally hear the sound of cymbals making a rim shot. But since I don’t see Ed Shaughnessy anywhere, I have to assume it’s coming from whatever database created Elvira, here.

I arch my eyebrows for a second. But then I realize, I just got burned by Elvira. I then crack a smile because it’s the kind of burn that hurts so good.

“Okay, umm, well, I wanted to share some of these, ugh, pictures,” I say, lifting a manilla folder holding a stack of images. “You, you see, Elvira, the reason why I’m here in what I imagine to be a waiting room in the offices of Tumblr is because I___”

“Yeah, I know,” Elvira says, “You wanna know if any pics showin’ dong is gonna land your piece on the reject pile.”

“Yeah. Well, you see, I’ve been a bit afraid to have pictures of fully nude men on Tumblr for a while, so I’ve been censoring them. But, not only am I seeing other posts with full nudity lately, but there is also the fact that Tumblr reversed their nudity ban a while ago.

But I’ve still been afraid to post pics because my articles were declined. However, that was quite a bit ago.”

“Yeah, that really sucks the big one, man,” Elvira says dismissively while she’s doing that thing that people often do when they’re ignoring you in movies and TV, which is spreading out her hand and looking at her nails as if casually investigating them.

“But seeing as how Tumblr created this version of, well, you, Elvira, maybe if I run these by you, perhaps I could get some insight while I’m waiting?” I ask, half laughing, while opening up the folder and standing up. But while doing this, the pictures go spilling out. I bend down to pick them up, and Elvira does the same to help me. But as they’re still spilling, the folder lands and bounces off the top of her head.

“Oh, sorry, Elvira!” I say as I pick up the folder and we both put the images back in the folder. “How’s your head?”

As she finishes helping me, she says, “Haven’t had any complaints, yet.”

“Huh?” I go, at first not realizing the punchline.

As we both get up, she scoffs and says, “You consider yourself a fan, and you don’t even know that I was the first one to come up with that joke?”

I tilt my head and say, “Oh yeah. Were you the first one?”

She rolls her eyes again and says, “Oh, brother. You’re thinkin’ too much, man. I know what you know, remember? Just go ahead and show me some naked men.”

“Oh, okay. Well,” I flip through the pictures, pick one out, and say, “How about this one? Do you think my article would get rejected if I published it on Tumblr?”

I hand her the picture, and she takes a pair of cat glasses on an elongated stick and then looks at it:

“Well, I guess blondes really do have more fun. And if this picture’s any evidence, then he’s certainly giving some guys really good rides, eh?” Elvira laughs in an I-know-I’m-funny kind of way. If it were any other person, that would sound like a tired joke. But the fact that it’s Elvira riding in on this horse, it’s far from dead. She’s Elvira. She could make a knock-knock joke sound fabulous. “Oh yeah, but you like it when they use their mouth to clean some bed knobs and broomsticks, right?”

I chuckle and then say, “I mean, since I have seen pics of Logan Stevens fully nude on this site before, I’m thinking maybe they’d allow it. Also, he’s not erect…”

“Yeah, but you can see his oblong balloon has had at last some hot air blown up it.”

“That’s not your best, Elvira,” I say.

“Hey, you’re the one who thinks I sound like this. So if you think my jokes are falling flat, maybe you should talk with the man in the mirror.”

“Okay, okay. What do you think? You think I’ll get thrown on that reject pile?”

Elvira shrugs her shoulders and says, “Maybe, maybe not. The only way to find out is to post it.”

“True. Let’s do this: if I show you some pictures, then the pictures are going to be shown in my article. If they show up in my article, then it’s going to be there before I publish it. And if I publish it…”

“Okay, hold on, there, Aristotle. This is gettin’ a little too much like “Inception” for me. Seriously, I’m seein’ geometric shapes flying off your head.”

“Okay, okay. How about this picture?” I ask, handing it to her almost like I’m handing her a portfolio or resume.

I see she’s changed her cat glasses on a stick to actual opera glasses. She makes a playful “O” shape with her mouth. I’m half expecting her to put her hand up and tilt her head to mimic that classic fake-surprise look.

“You, see. That’s a picture from PLAYGIRL. Again, he’s flaccid. Not really posing erotically. He’s got a shirt on…”

“I can see that,” she says. “Must have been casual Friday.” She looks up at me and says, “Must’ve been really casual Friday,” while arching an eyebrow. “I’d really like to see their HR manual.”

I chuckle. I then hand her another picture. “Okay. How about this one?” I ask.

“Geeze, we’re gonna need a grill with all these wieners flying at me.”

I look off to the side, expecting to hear that ba-dum-shhh.

“Sorry, he only does one show a week.”

She takes a look at this one:

“You see, he’s off to the side, and the frontal appears more incidental. Nothing sexual there, right? Just a guy, probably at a nudist beach or something.”

“Right,” Elvira says. Then, as she hands the picture back to me, she says, “Well, kiddo, as fun as this has been, I think it’s time that I take my leave. You know what they say; always leave ’em wanting more.” She laughs.

As I nod my head, she adds, “Although, I think this turned out to be a bigger bust than, well, me,” and she laughs that breathy laugh.

“Well, it’s nice meeting you, Elvira.”

“This actually was a little fun,” she says, sweeping that hand through the air. Then, she nods her head, again, a few times while having this contemplative look in her eyes and says, “A little.”

I then hear that signature organ music played in an animated yet Gothic manner somewhere in the background, and, out of nowhere, a shadow is cast over her face except a strip of light over her eyes. She says, “Unpleasant dreams.” When she winks, I can actually hear a ting sound as she twiddles her fingers to wave goodbye with a playful smile.